[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Friday, November 27th, 2009|
i should be posting in this community weekly, but i am forgetful.
last friday night, i was drunk and decided to dance on the narrow wooden armrest of a futon. of course, i fell off and sprained some tendons in my foot. i narrowly missed falling on the crockpot that was on the floor a few feet from the futon.
bringing my laundry out of the laundry room just now, i managed to knock a few bottles off the counter and i think they all, one by one landed on my already injured and black n blue foot. this is also the same foot that i had an ingrown toenail cut off of a few weeks ago.
i would say i shouldn't leave the house, but obviously i can still hurt myself at home. Current Mood: amused
|Monday, July 28th, 2008|
Cross-post from 4/20/08:
So last night I was sewing the duvet cover for my down comforters. I got sick of both comforters floating around inside of the huge-ass thing, so I decided to take it in along all the edges, using my handy dandy sewing machine.
Well, I had accomplished sewing about 150,000 inches of the perimeter of this motherfucker and was down to the last 9 inches. The top layer is a smooth polyester-blend resembling silk. Slippery shit. As I was hurrying along, anticipating finally getting the last bit done, I pushed my left hand too close to the rapid-firing needle and my left index finger got sucked into path of stitching.
That's right. I stabbed my finger with my sewing needle, which was probably moving at about 95 miles per hour across the fabric.
I yelped like a wounded animal, tried to pull my finger back and couldn't. Why? Oh, because I had SEWED COMPLETELY THROUGH MY NAIL and my finger was still trapped under the foot of the sewing apparatus.
So I lifted the foot and yanked my finger back out.
Only to discover that there is a piece of needle STICKING OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF MY FINGER.
That's right- the needle broke off. Went right through my nail and fucking BROKE OFF.
At that point it didn't really hurt yet, but I knew the pain would kick in within about 30 seconds, so I scrambled upstairs to find some pliers to extract the fucker.
In case you were wondering, sewing needles are tapered, and the pointy end sticking out of my finger was a far smaller gauge than the upper piece still wedged inside of it.
So I had to yank it through.
I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks.
So I have a hole in my finger.
|Thursday, July 24th, 2008|
Last night I skinned a 1" piece of real estate off my index finger while moving my laptop and external hard drive to the other side of my couch. No clue how.
Yesterday as I stepped out of the shower, I managed to smash my left leg onto the big metal grooves that used to hold sliding shower doors on top of the tub. You know, that really painful part of your leg, below your knee where your tibia bone is like a centimeter under your skin? Right there.
Also, I gave myself a really nasty scar only about an inch away from there back in February. I was climbing on top of my counters to retrieve something I'd thrown into the top corner cabinet of my kitchen. I put one foot on one counter, but the other one slipped and all my weight went into griding and smashing my tibia down the sharp edge of the countertop. I could not even wear my boots for almost two weeks, it hurt that bad.
Last week I smashed my head getting into my sister's Cabriolet. This was approximately one hour after tripping over my own feet at my friend's house and bruising the shit out of my right knee.
Last month I burned my arm on our fireplace. It took a month to heal because it kept getting cut open over and over again.
Back in March I attempted wearing contact lenses for the first time. One day I couldn't stand how uncomfortable they were, so I went to take them out, but could only get one. The other one would not leave my eyeball. I tried relentlessly over the course of like five hours to get it out. It wasn't until I went home and saw that lens on my FLOOR that I realized it was never in my eye, it was just irritated from previous insertion attempts and I had just been stabbing my fingers into my cornea all day for no reason. I never wore contacts again.
Putting the crack back in dumbass...
Posted courtesy of my friend Rod...his story...not mine.
Go ahead, call me a dumbass. If you don't feel the need now, you will soon.
Ever heard the expression "egg on your face"? Well, I'm not sure of it's origin, but I feel an immense kinship to the phrase after last night. Actually, it was the night before, but who cares when it happened. It happened, I'm a dumbass, and the rest will soon be history. It all started with a craving for a fried egg sandwich...
So I'm sitting there thinking, "Man, a fried egg sandwich sounds mighty tasty right now". I don't know if thoughts actually deserve quotes, but I put 'em there, so if you're some kind of grammer Nazi, you can just piss off. Where was I, oh yeah, fried egg sandwich. Just one thing in the way, laziness. I was feeling extremely lazy at that moment. I didn't really even feel like prying my ass from it's form fitting indentations it has made for itself in the couch cushions, let alone cook. Then the voices came, the naughty little voices that make me do stupid things.
The little voices get a bright idea.. "Let's try to cook an egg in the microwave", they all shout in unison from a spot slightly to the left of my right eye. Little bastards couldn't whisper once in a while could they? So, after some serious thought (not really) I decide to try it.
Now I don't have some pussy-ass little microwave. Oh no. I have a massive stainless steel behemoth, a popcorn popping machine of fury! This thing consumes 1350 watts, more powerful than most of the commercial microwaves that you see in 7-11, or anywhere you happen to be half drunk, attempting to figure out how to nuke a burrito while the clerk is cussing you out in East Indian because you didn't pay for said burrito. I don't know how many times I've wanted to turn around and say to them "You'll have to say it in English. I'm not fluent in ASSHOLE!". Well, I am fluent in asshole, but we'll get to that later. Back to my story. This microwave dims the lights when you turn it on. If I don't turn off my computer monitor when I use it, I blow the breaker, and that always manages to righteously piss me off. This thing could cook a friggin' yak in ten minutes, it's got so much juice.
So, I take a plate, coat it down with some olive oil. I know, I know , it was the first thing I saw. Lazy, remember? I break an egg on the edge of the counter, and, you guessed it, egg all over the floor. So I already feel like a dumbass, and it just gets worse from there. I clean up the egg that has somehow spread from the corner of the counter to the wall, the floor, into the cupboards, down into the burner recesses, all over my pants, and even into my hair. I have no idea how it got in my hair, except for sometimes gravity seems to make fun of me at the most inopportumne times.
: break eggs over (somewhat) sharp edge.
I finally manage to get an egg broken, drained onto the plate, and generally sitting there sliding around in it's olive-oily happy goodness. Then the fun begins. I pop the egg in the microwave and hit start. Everything seems good for about, oh fifteen seconds, then the shit hits the fan.
: an egg can not hadle 1350 watts of microwave radiation for fifteen seconds.
So I spend the next ten minutes cleaning out the microwave. Who knew there was that much gooey crap in one little egg. And how the hell did it get under the glass turntable, oh yeah, gravity, my friend. Oh well, try and try again. By the way, whoever came up with that saying is an idiot. Anyone with half a brain knows when to give up, but by now I'm determined.
Let's try it at 50% power. If you don't knw how a mirowave works, 50% power is not. It's full power for a few seconds, then no power for a few seconds. So the egg starts cooking, everything looks good. We're at 45 seconds and counting, and once again. Shit, fan, you get the picture. This time there ws a loud "POP", and the egg jumped up and hit the ceiling of the microwave, destroying the egg, and the lightbulb in the process. At least it was partially cooked this time, but I had to look all over hell to find a bulb that would fit. I finally remembered that my lava lamps take the same bulbs. I only got first degree burns on my hand trying to extract it.
: Never remove a lightbulb from a hot lava lamp.
So the microwave is in working order, and I have 5 or 6 eggs left, so everything seems cool.
Let's try 30% power. Hey, I think I've got it. It cooks, and cooks, and cooks, and after about 4 minutes it resembles a fried egg made by a guy with a really greasy apron who does happen to know shit from shineola, and has for the last 45 years. Never mind that he drinks himself blind after every greasy 10 hour shift. The guy can cook an egg, and he likes Harleys. I believe that's actually a law. You have to like Harleys if your a fry cook, unless you're in southwestern Maine.
So I take the plate out, and damn it looks good. Then I make the fatal mistake. I decide to see how it smells. Don't ask me why I thought that an egg would smell different cooked by a microwave. Maybe it was those damn little voices again. But I did it, and yes, there's that fan again, only it's not shit this time.
As I lower my face toward the plate and begin to take a whiff, BOOM! It sounded like someone popped a dodgeball inside my head for about 15 milliseconds, then I felt the pain. I think I've been doused in napalm, and I wonder if I'm blind. I drop the plate on the counter and reel back feeling my face to see if my chin still resides below my mouth. Ow! I realize that I'm not blind, there isn't a trace of yellow anywhere on that plate, and my face hurts like hell. I take a step back to survey my surroundings, and there's approximately 500 million yellow harbingers of death stuck to every surface that exists in the kitchen, the dining area, and all the way over into the entry hall, which is a good 10 feet away.
: Egg yolk is one molecule away from the stuff they pack into an anti-personnel grenade.
I tend to my wounds, which, I now realize are second degree burns all over the lower part of my face, clean out my hair, change my clothes, and I go back to clean up the kitchen. There is a rough shape on one wall of the kitchen in the shape of a six foot tall human dumbass that is sans egg yolk chunks, the rest of the kitchen is plastered with them.
OK, the kitchen is clean after 35 minutes of drudgery, my face hurts, I feel stupid, but I'm still hungry for an egg sandwich, so what now? Yes, you guessed it. "let's try it again".
Damn those voices anyway.
: Know when to cut your losses and order take out.
: A welding mask is good protection while cooking with a microwave.
So I eventually made my egg sandwich. It tasted OK. Next time I'm using a frying pan.
: If you hurt yourself doing something stupid, everyone will ask you what happend, even people you don't know. This as actually a subclause in one of Murphy's laws.
I have no pride. I told them the truth. Well, at least I got some good laughs. The girls at Starbucks almost pissed themselves, and the guys at work will never let me live this one down. They even told me so, bastards.
Boy do I feel dumb.
But at least I got my damn egg sandwich.
|Friday, July 6th, 2007|
Sorry for the double-post, friends.
For anyone who missed the memo on Myspace, I accidentally stuck a butcher knife through my palm Tuesday night. I was holding frozen hamburger patties in my left hand and using the knife to separate them with my right. And the knife went through the meat and then through my hand! I hit an artery, lost about a pint of blood over the next few hours, and ended up with ten stitches.
Typing with one hand sucks! Hospital Video 1 Hospital Video 2
|Friday, November 10th, 2006|
Recently I walked straight into a desk, paused and glared at it a moment, then proceeded to run into it again. This left a bruise almost as big as my hand on my thigh, arrr.
Yesterday I poked myself in the eye while trying to drink from a soda can and holding a pencil with my first two fingers, that was pretty lame.
Also, three years ago I slapped myself in the face, leaving an actual hand print when trying to give someone a high five. That one still makes me giggle.
Here's to hoping this community gets more posts!
|Wednesday, May 17th, 2006|
Smashed my left knee into the footboard of Nicole and Heather's bed last night. Blood everywhere!
|Saturday, February 25th, 2006|
Although I haven't updated in a long time, I assure you I've been hurting myself at regular intervals anyway.
I've hurt myself in some awfully stupid ways, but this one pretty much takes the cake:
Last night I was clipping my toenails. My pinkie toes are huge problems for me, so I was sitting down with my right leg crossed over my left, leaning forward real close to see what I was doing- to make sure I didn't cut off part of my foot along with my weird nail. So I have these sharp cuticle-cutting scissors in my hand, and I'm cutting around my nail. All goes smoothly until I get to the end, where the nail is thicker.
I clip too fast, the nail bit sling-shots up into the air and directly into MY RIGHT EYEBALL.
I fished it out of the corner of my eye with a Q-tip. It was fucking ridiculous, and my eye still hurts.
Also, I almost broke my toe last night trying to get out of my desk chair. Granted, this chair is a safety hazard even without
a hapless idiot sitting in it, and it has already caused at least two dozen injuries, but still. A stupid injury report does not discriminate circumstances.
|Sunday, December 11th, 2005|
Today I cut my toes in four different places as I attempted to simply trim my nails.
Yesterday I stabbed my left index finger (deep) onto a needle I had forgotten about, while I was sewing.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
|Monday, December 5th, 2005|
Tonight I smooshed my left middle finger in the closet door as I closed it. It pinched it so hard I just about got a blood blister. Gross!
|Sunday, December 4th, 2005|
Long time, no update. Certainly not for lack of good material. Just out of forgettfulness.
Let's see. This week I smashed my leg into a desk when I was trying to move it, leaving me with a bruise and two scratches on my left thigh.
The day before yesterday I sliced my left index finger open with a knife I was using to open a bag of birdseed.
And THEN last night I got a bunch of banana pepper juice in it and it hurt real bad.
Anxiously awaiting further injuries, as always,
|Wednesday, November 30th, 2005|
Yesterday I was at my friend Chris's house with Aaron and we were going to cook pasta. I, being the cook I am, cannot stand boring pasta and pasta sauce dishes. After a quick trip to the store I had everything to make white whine banked salmon with roasted garlic alfredo. Oh yeah, it was going to be good.
Long story short I opened the oven to check on the salmon and a huge blue flame shot out. I now have singed eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair.
Go Team Carleen's An Idiot!
Also, i'm wearing my first pair of heels tomorrow night for a holiday Christmas party. That should make for about 5 entries in here....
|Monday, October 24th, 2005|
oh man. i had to sit on this one for a whole day, it's that stupid.
our first roller derby bout was saturday, i didn't get hurt bad then, i hardly have any scrapes or bruises.
however, i slipped on the dancefloor at boxxes saturday night and twisted my knee horribly.
something's either sprained or else my knee dislocated then relocated.
tonight i could only skate on it for about a half hour before it hurt to put weight on it.
i'm definitely resting for a few days.
ibuprofen kind of helps. but not really. ow.
|Wednesday, October 19th, 2005|
stupidest injury yet
Usually my dumbass injuries are confined to random bumps and bruises (especially while drunk) but I have no excuse like being shitfaced for this one.
Our apartment has one of those flat-top stoves where it looks like there´s no burner, just a black surface. Even when turned on, it only stays red for a while, returning to it´s invisible state right when you turn it off.
Our kitchen, as all the kitchens in Madrid seem to be, is literally the size of a closet. There´s barely standing room for two people, and you have to stand right by the appliance you want to access or else contort yourself to reach around the other person to get at it.
My roommate had just cooked something on the stove, which I was fully aware of. She was by the microwave which I needed to get into, so I tried to reach around, supporting most of my weight with my hand on what I THOUGHT would be the counter. Not so much. I heard a sizzling sound and afterwards felt the burning sensation. I pulled my hand off quickly and for a second thought that maybe I´d burned off enough nerves to make me feel it less. Then the pain kicked in, throbbing and red and burning long after I had taken my hand off the stove. I put ointment on it ´til we realized that that´s the opposite of what you want to do - it locks in the burn and continues to be ragingly painful until you run your hand under cold water for a very, very long time.
So now four of my fingertips are gross and blistery and feel weird when I try to move them.
What a dumbass move that was.
|Monday, September 19th, 2005|
On Friday I was at work and was hungry. So I made toast. Of course, I couldn't just eat the toast, I also had to burn the shit out of the side of my right ring finger. There is now a blister there.
On Saturday, my girlfriend and I went camping out in the Mt. Hood National Forest. Yesterday morning, I woke up and had to pee. Where we were camped was down a little hill in a wooded area that was surrounded by this creek that ran into a river. There were several very large fallen logs bridging the gap between our side of the creek and the other side. Bored with our side of the creek, I decided to go pee on the other side, unaware of the "dangers" of fallen logs that have been sitting partially in water for atleast 10 years. ROTTED. walking across the largest log I stepped with my right foot, heard the crack, and as my right foot went about 2 1/2 feet through a rotten log, my left foot slipped and scraped up against the side of the log and went into the water. Lots and lots of scratches on my legs, but nothing serious. This wouldn't have been so bad except that I have a triple christina (surface piercing through the top of the labia...vertical) and when my cunt hit the log, it was about 30 times worse than when you fly off a bike and hit the boy's cross bar. My christina has bled a lot and I think everything is fairly bruised. OUCH. No sex for me for several days.
|Tuesday, August 30th, 2005|
I haven't ever posted to this community since joining, but seeing how I just injured myself tonight and Dajah is recovering from surgery, I thought I would post to at least give her a chance to laugh at my stupid ass for once.
Tonight's injury occured while bending down into the fridge for dinner ingredients. My depth perception was somehow skewed (completely sober too,) and I whacked
my fucking forehead nicely on the freezer door handle.
Usually, I can tolerate (see:enjoy) pain. But this hurt.
I went on to cook dinner and complained to the boy how he missed witnessing this latest injury. (He fully knows how much of a tard I am.)
It wasn't until after making dinner that I went to go look in the mirror. A nice fat BUMP with a bloody cut across it. Geez. The fun part is going to be explaining this to all my nosy co-workers tomorrow. >=)
<3 ***hope your recovery is quick and full of yummy pharmies dajah*** <3
|Thursday, August 11th, 2005|
I've got this gigantic king-sized down comforter which dominates the entire surface of my bed. Since my bed is only a queen size, the comforter is usually bunched up all over the place from where I've most recently had it wrapped around my body, or under my legs, or over my face, or whatever ridiculous position of "comfort" I was last in.
Anyway, I was getting up off my bed a few minutes ago, and had my left foot on the floor. My right leg was still on my bed- kneeling. As I attempted to bring my right leg onto solid ground, my knee snagged on the plush comforter which was otherwise pinned under my ass, sending me crashing to the floor.
I actually had a second to think, "this is gonna hurt" before I made impact with the ground.
Sooooooooooooooo, my right knee is all banged up and hurts a whole lot.
|Tuesday, August 9th, 2005|
In the last three weeks, i've probably fallen down the stairs 8 times. Last week I was in my basement doing laundry. I took off my clothing, threw it in the washing machine and turned to head upstairs. I ran directly into a computer tower, the corner cutting into my knee, hitting a nerve, causing my leg to collapse. Began running up the stairs to the kitchen, naked, screaming every dirty word you've ever heard, when i slip, fly forward and smack my face/body against the hardwood stiars...my roommate standing at the top of the stairs was a little confused. This morning I managed to squarely step on the sharp edge of a wire bird feeder, which not only left a nice little meat tenderizer imprint on my foot, but I also tweaked a nerve in my back and now i cannot feel a good 8"x8" section of my back. Sleeping on the tailgate of my friend's truck the other night while waiting for him to get back from the bar, i was woken up by a large beetle falling from a tree branch above me and smacking me in the face...this didn't hurt, was just creepy...what hurt was when i smashed my hand into the snug-top cover of the truck, bruising three of my fingers (recommendation: if you are thin or your hip bones just stick out in general, don't ever lay on your back or stomach on uncovered hard surface like a tailgate...it will bruise your hip bone region). There are the numerous little bruises, burns...I have several small gashes on the top of my head that are a mystery. But the best: while camping two weekends ago I was going pee the first night without a flashlight and slipped and somehoe managed to punch myself in my christina piercing. waking up with a hangover and no idea why your genital piercing is covered in blood isn't fun. Nor is it fun to be in the woods at 4 a.m. on the side of a hill covered in fallen trees and about a foot deep of forest debris, trying to get fire wood when your maglite slips, rolls down the hill, then you slip, pulling a giant branch with you, only to land on your back, covered in tree limb, and unclear of what happened because you just smacked the back of your head against your 12" maglite.
Edit: Brilliant injury #3748372562435872587
-3498539: While indulging in a little herbal remedy the other night, i took one hit a little too hard and began coughing so hard that two of my ribs on the left side slipped out of place and i had to put them back in place. ouch.
|Friday, August 5th, 2005|
I walked to Subway for lunch wearing platform flip flops. . .
Two 2" blisters on each foot. =\
|Thursday, August 4th, 2005|
I cut my right thumb open on an unknown sharp object yesterday.